I have no idea what I'm doing

Warning: Bad language ahead and a picture of cartoon poop.

I promised myself when I started this blog I would always be honest. My first post I ever wrote was about pushing through heartbreak and moving on, and in that vein, I'm writing tonight from a pretty dark place: I have no idea what I'm doing.

I know, I know; "none of us do, don't you read the memes!" The difference is I can't find a career I can even moderately enjoy, and that prevents me from devoting myself to one thing I do love: running. I'm not talking "blah, my career is so boring" I'm talking "I'm never on time because I don't want to get out of bed in the morning." And you can forget getting up to run--if I can't drag myself up at 7:30am there's no way I'm getting up to run.

I'm finally facing that whole "if something is always wrong, maybe the common denominator is you" thing. It reminds me of that South Park episode where everything Stan looks at literally looks like shit. See below:

Currently relating to that way more than I want to admit. After I lost my job this summer, I basically was straight broke. I didn't really have a safety net built up, which left me relying on family and unemployment to help. It destroyed me and I haven't really been the same since. I had to take a lower paying, more demanding job and I still haven't really caught up. I'd love to be able to pay my family back for Christmas but that isn't happening. And that is a shit feeling.

That's one thing bloggers aren't always honest about: maybe I'm alone on this, but if you're living in a city working a marketing/tech/advertising/etc job you're probably broke af with debt to high heaven. Like it's a fact and the more people I speak to, the more I see that it's pretty universal. My dad likes to remind me that I need to be living off of ramen and Kool-Ade until I get my shit together, but in an effort to keep my sodium manageable, I just stick to frozen meals from Trader Joe's and water instead. You won't see much group fitness from me, because I cancelled all of my memberships when I lost my job. So enjoy throwback photos on my insta for a while, because I'm not even running enough to take any photos of that.

Why am I writing this? Because it would be dishonest to ignore it and act like my life is so damn peachy keen. Because maybe some of you are in a similar spot and it's nice to know you aren't alone. I've always been open with my mental health battles and for the past 6 months it's been a dark time for me. It would be cheap of me to gloss over it. It's been shit. Every step forward I take is four steps back. My lofty marathon goals were destroyed by depression this summer, and despite how much I try to put on a smile and act optimistic, I have no idea where I'm going with my next half marathon or marathon either.  

I spent all day trying to cobble my life together. I cleaned out my cluttered closet, donated some items, put up my Christmas decor, drank my favorite tea, made my favorite meal, organized my week and made big running plans, and still everything is shit. Not even my self care routine helped has helped me out, and usually it gives my mood a boost.

I'm not asking for sympathy, or even understanding. I'm just writing to put it out there, in the effort to be as transparent as possible, and so that maybe someone else would know they're not alone.

--B